People say that I make a wonderful pet, that I am a good family dog and good with kids. The perfect dog for just about everybody, right? NOT TRUE!! Read on.

If you plan on leaving me outside most or all of the time, I will:

• Trash your yard! Dig holes! Eat lawn furniture, kid’s toys, new shrubbery, or anything else you leave out!

• Become an escape artist. I will learn to dig out or climb out so I can find some people companionship. If you don’t have a fenced yard, I won’t hang around. There are too many interesting sights and smells that I must check out. In either case, I will either get hit by a car or end up at the Animal Shelter.

• Become a nuisance. When you come outside, I will jump up on you, knock over the kids, race around uncontrollably, and ignore your commands to behave.

On the other hand, if you will bring me inside, train me, love me, and make me an indoor pet companion member of your family, I will:

• Love you.

• Behave.

• Be well mannered.

• Be great with kids.

• Be the best dog you ever had!

Please, DO NOT take me home if you are just going to leave me in the yard or on forty acres in the country. I need time and attention from you more than I need room to run. Yes, I need fresh air and exercise, but we can do that together, walking, jogging, or playing retrieving games.

Housetrain me (it’s not that hard, plus I love having my own safe place in the crate), take me to obedience school (that will be lots of fun), and let me be a member of your family, and I will be the kind of pet my first family probably wanted, but weren’t willing to do the work to get.

• Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.

• Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.

• Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, “Be a good dog, go potty now – hurry up – come on, lets go!”

• Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

• Play “catch” with a wet tennis ball.

• Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that’s where the dog will drag it anyway. This is especially important when you have company over.

• Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

• Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver – it’s going to get chewed on anyway.

• Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your dog falls asleep on your lap.